I have a wonderful family. I have the knowledge and blessings of the gospel. Most people from the outside would say my life is pretty perfect...the thing they don't realize is that my struggles are emotional and are often hidden. I have struggled with depression for the last 3 years. Maybe longer but that is when I was officially diagnosed and put on medication. It has been a roller coaster, ranging from moderate to severe. There were times when I had thoughts that scared me. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so much in despair, knowing that God is there and loves me. The current prescription is working better than anything else, but by no means makes things easy. I don't talk about it with anyone because it hasn't seemed to be something people readily accept or understand. I struggle heavily with self-esteem and self-worth. I'm never measuring up to who I think I should be, but I see so much of it in other people. I want to be myself but find myself trying to do things like other people. A round-about way of becoming who I want to be or think I should be. Whether it's beauty, talent, house-keeping, patience, kindness...I feel I always fall short. Are my friends really my friends? Do they even like me? Does my husband really love me? Does he ever feel he settled or I'm too much to handle (especially emotionally!)? I'm either emotional and crying or snippy without a lot of in-between. How can he stand me? I've never felt I shouldn't have married him; I feel HE shouldn't have married me because I'm not good enough. I also worry that my goals and dreams won't come true. I'll never be a successful photographer. I'll never be a good mother (no kids yet but I can't wait). I can't even handle myself sometimes, how could I raise a child as unstable as I am? I ache for a child. My husband is almost through with school and would like to feel more stable before we go that direction, which overall is fine with me. But yet my heart hurts almost at how much I want to be a mother. I cried at my friend's baby blessing yesterday because I wanted it to be me so badly. It's such a good thing and I want it, but I also want it to be the right time for us. I can't help but feel guilty like we're "putting it off." At least we're excited for children, unlike many young couples. (Anonymous)
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