I have a wonderful family. I have the knowledge and blessings of the gospel. Most people from the outside would say my life is pretty perfect...the thing they don't realize is that my struggles are emotional and are often hidden. I have struggled with depression for the last 3 years. Maybe longer but that is when I was officially diagnosed and put on medication. It has been a roller coaster, ranging from moderate to severe. There were times when I had thoughts that scared me. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so much in despair, knowing that God is there and loves me. The current prescription is working better than anything else, but by no means makes things easy. I don't talk about it with anyone because it hasn't seemed to be something people readily accept or understand. I struggle heavily with self-esteem and self-worth. I'm never measuring up to who I think I should be, but I see so much of it in other people. I want to be myself but find myself trying to do things like other people. A round-about way of becoming who I want to be or think I should be. Whether it's beauty, talent, house-keeping, patience, kindness...I feel I always fall short. Are my friends really my friends? Do they even like me? Does my husband really love me? Does he ever feel he settled or I'm too much to handle (especially emotionally!)? I'm either emotional and crying or snippy without a lot of in-between. How can he stand me? I've never felt I shouldn't have married him; I feel HE shouldn't have married me because I'm not good enough. I also worry that my goals and dreams won't come true. I'll never be a successful photographer. I'll never be a good mother (no kids yet but I can't wait). I can't even handle myself sometimes, how could I raise a child as unstable as I am? I ache for a child. My husband is almost through with school and would like to feel more stable before we go that direction, which overall is fine with me. But yet my heart hurts almost at how much I want to be a mother. I cried at my friend's baby blessing yesterday because I wanted it to be me so badly. It's such a good thing and I want it, but I also want it to be the right time for us. I can't help but feel guilty like we're "putting it off." At least we're excited for children, unlike many young couples. (Anonymous)
Please share with us your thoughts.
4 comments:
As I was growing up I was constantly put down by my family, especially my father about my weight. Because of this during many of my teenage years I often felt depressed; I was very self-conscious and critical of myself. I never thought I would ever be in a serious relationship, or marry because I thought of myself as an unattractive, unwanted, overweight girl. I'm thankful to have such a wonderful husband. Somehow my husband saw through the extra chubbiness and helped me realize that I am an amazing woman and had the potential of being a great wife, and mother. I was initially afraid of meeting his family because of how they might react to my body. Thankfully they welcomed me with open arms, and support me in ways I never thought possible. He helped me find peace with my curvy body, and even though we are working together to help me loose weight, I know it's simply for me to become more healthy, not to change the person that I am.
I believe the concept of "finish everything on your plate" has had a disastrous effect on our society. While trying to teach children the idea of not taking more than we could eat, eating our vegetables, and being grateful for what we have, we instead instilled negative behaviors and ideals about eating. We should teach our children to stop when they are no longer hungry instead of finishing everything on their plate.
I'm really touched by your last comment about working to lose weight for your health and not to "be attractive" (since apparently you already are!).
I wonder how your relationship with your father is. Have you been able to forgive him or is it still painful?
What did your husband say and do that helped you realize your amazingness?
The relationship with my father is strained--he still regularly talks to me about how I need to get "skinny". It's hard.
The thing about my husband is amazing--he never "said" anything. He made his intentions clear from beginning and I never questioned how he felt about me. :) He has always been complementary to me and with him, for the first time in my life I've felt comfortable in my own skin. I'm his everything, and I feel the same way about him.
The words "heed not what the wicked my say..." are coming to mind as I read the posts on this blog. It sounds like not only are people, sadly family members, saying hurtful things (meaningfully or not is irrevelant) but we are saying them to ourselves. I now people who literally start each morning by saying possitive things about themselves. And it seems to work. Almost like a self full-filling prophecy. I think I am going to try it for a week, and work on heed not other peoples tanted comments, including the advesarys whispers. Depression can be so crippling. Lets think possitive today! PS Nice blog!
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